May 31, 2011

Dialation.

I'm warning you now, you don't want to read this post. It's a little bit gross and you should be aware before you continue on...

Ok, consider yourself warned.

Today was my 39 week check up. David came with me.  I was considered about how I would feel after the internal exam and didnt want to have to drive home if I was in a lot of pain.  After grappling with the idea that he would have to watch another man put his hand inside of me, he decided to come anyways.  Thank god. I usually have the Monday morning 9 am appointment so I am first in and out quick. However, because of the holiday I had to come one Tuesday and couldnt get in until 10:30.  The nurse didnt call us in until 11:15.  They weighed me and too my bloodpressure.  For anyone who knows anything about bloodpressure I have a 116 over 80.  No idea what that means but the doctor says its good.  The baby has a strong heartbeat and is measuring correctly.  He asked how I was feeling and I told him I was concerned the baby would be in me forever because I haven't had contractions, just what felt like squirming.  It feels like the baby starts at my ribs and then kicks off and rockets it's head into my vag, like its trying to get out.  he laughed and said that those feelings are normal and it is the baby just stretching to get position itself as it tries to come out. 

So next comes the internal.  It's wierd to begin with.  I hate paps and exams and any of that stuff so ya, it's weird.  It's even more weird when the doctor puts his hand in you and you can see your husband physically tighten up.  It was painful.  LOTS of pressure and I could feel myself pulling away.  Dave could see it.  He told me he felt helpless and didnt know what to do.  the doctor goes "Well you don't have to worry about being pregnant forever, you're already 3 cm dialated."  I asked if he was kidding and he goes "I'll joke about sex and about your mother, but I would never joke about dialation with a woman whose 39 weeks".  :) I really like him.  He told me to go home and pack our bags, make sure we had things in order because he doesnt think I'll be pregnant come this weekend!! Im trying not to get excited because baby could take it's time but to have a doctor tell me to get my stuff ready, it makes me happy.  Had I only been dialated, it could take longer but he could feel the baby's head and said that it is ready to go.  He suggested we go home and have sex because "it helps the baby get out" the same way it gets in there. Haha.

He warned me that after the internal, I could be crampy and have some bleeding.  He also suggested that the internal could irritate the cervix enough to cause it to lose the mucus plug and possibly even break the water.  He said I could be going into labor within hours but should definately be by this weekend.  He asked if I had an appointment for next weekend, then joked that he'd see me before. :) I can only hope. 

We left there and dave surprised me with lunch at Country Whip which is a great little ice cream place in Acushnet.  Hot dogs, clam chowder, french fries.. yum! However, the doctor was right... (ps. I warned yo about this part) blood and goop. Eww. Crampy and uncomfortable.  Thank god lunch was delicious because I felt terrible.  We went to the bank to deposit my last couple of paychecks, went to walmart to grab a couple of last minute things for the hospital, stopped at the front office to pay our rent for June and came home.  Ran the dishwasher so I don't have to come home to them if I do go tonight, just started laundry, cleaned up a bit and went through the hospital bag.  Made sure I had shorts, my nursing tanks, the baby's clothes and the necessities.  All that's left to grab is the cell charger, my straightener, and the bag of food and the suitcase! Yikes!!

The downside is that the doctor recommended that I dont drive to boston tonight for the baby expo.  Thinks with the dialation and the amount of movement its too much of a risk.  He wants me to stay close.  Where I've gone through some of the early labor without much pain, he wants me close because I may not realize 'm in labor until I'm in active labor and at that point I'll need to be closer than Boston.

So cross your fingers and say some prayers because little one could be here very soon!!! <3

May 30, 2011

The Weekend.

It has been one crazy, amazing, fun-packed weekend. It's Memorial Day Weekend and there is obviously a feeling of rememberance but it was nice to make plans and truely enjoy my weekend.

Friday, dave and I had breakfast with my mom at Persy's in Wareham.  I really just love spending time with her and getting to relax and have breakfast was awesome. Plus she's crazy and always giving us baby stuff so I love to see what new things she's gotten! :)

Well she outdid herself this time and gave us baby stuff and a giftcard to Lowe's.  Dave and I have wanted a grill since we moved into our ground floor apartment.  We couldnt have one on the second floor but as soon as we realized we could have one, we wanted one.  Plus we figure the baby's baptism will be a lowkey cookout and we would obviously need a grill for that... I had planne don buying Dave a grill for Father's Day next month but with gift card in hand, he couldn't wait to go pick one out.

say hello to his new toy! (and the pups!)


I had a quick shift at work after that and scurried out quick to meet Dave and Vit to see the Hangover 2. Hilarious. We went to an early show at 4 so we could be home in time for the Bruin's game that night.  Game 7 against Tampa Bay to decide who goes to the Stanley Cup Finals.


Needless to say, they WON!!! they are going to the Stanley Cup Finals. I'm personally amped and I screamed at the tv and Dave was afraid I was going to push myself into labor. Hahah.

On Saturday I had a quick shift at work and was out by 3ish.  There is/was a carnival set up in Freetown and I DESPERATELY wanted fried dough and cotton candy.  We had wanted to go to the Brooklawn Park Festival when it happened last month but things were just too hectic and we didnt make it so I really wanted to go to this one.  We went up and just walked around.  I don't trust the rides on traveling carnivals so we simply walked around and looked at the raffles, the food vendors and the games.

Here's my fun "I am not Portuguese" story:

I wanted fried dough. Bad. Really bad.  Pretty much the main reason I wanted to go.  So we walk around and around and around.  there's fried seafood, a juice hut, a stand with cotton candy and candy apples, fried ice cream, and a stand with linguica & churico.  I wanted fried dough... so Dave gets in line and says I'm going to get this stuff.  I look at the sign and it says "Malasadases" so I get upset because they don't have what I want.  Next to where we are there is a hotdog/burger stand so I pout and say "Well since we dont have fried dough, I am just going to get a hot dog".  Dave starts laughing at me and goes "That's why I'm in this line hun". Apparently malasadas is the portuguese version of fried dough so I looked like a moron. Ooops. 

Sunday I got to sleep in and went to work for a bit.  It was like the last day of high school.  You know that's it and you just count down the whole day, waiting to leave. it was only a 4 hour shift but my goodness, it dragged.  I was able to get out and head home around 5 so I got dressed and Dave and I went to my friend Amanda's for a cook out with some of my Middleboro favorites.  It was nice to just sit and chat and relax and unwind. 

I really love Amanda because her and I are on the same wavelength more than me and any other of my friends.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends but her and I have the most in common.  She's married, lives in New Bedford and has an almost 2 year old son.  My friends are great but when they message me about going to a bar and everyone's meeting up at 10 pm, I cant do that anymore.  Her husband and Dave went to school together so they can just hang out and relax and it just feels good.  I dont have to "babysit" Dave and I can chat and relax and she "gets it".  She has to justify shopping with what the baby needs and decides between calling out to be home with the sick one or going to work to pay for the doctor's visit, all things that most of my close friends don't have to deal with yet.  I'm just really happy to have her around and to be so close.

I guess I'm just happy I'm not sitting around doing nothing waiting for the baby.  I'm hoping now that I'm out of work, we can get some of the assistance programs up and running and then get a little baby out of me.  I've been up since about 5 am.  cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, cleaned the living room and bathroom, brought out the trash, took the dogs for a stroll and wrote this so hopefully this is my "nesting" kicking in right before the baby but who knows.  Start praying and crossing your fingers or doing whatever you do that I have this baby by this coming weekend. <3

May 26, 2011

Something, Anything, Nothing.

Nothing is going on and nothing is happening. Gah.

Someone commented yesterday that it was quiet on our homefront and honestly, it's just because I have nothing to say.  Nothing is happening and it's frustrating.  This baby seems to be pretty comfy inside of me and shows absoluetly no signs of coming out.  It's hard because I obviously have been counting down for months and even though my due date is still 10 days away, part of me is desperately hoping the baby would say hello earlier.  Couple in my regulars at work going 'It's still in there?" and my coworkers repeatedly saying "No baby yet?" and it feels like I'm doing something wrong because the baby isn't here yet.  I can't even imagine how terrible it will feel if the baby goes past his/her due date...

I think if I have a baby again I'm not going to tell people when it's due... like say it's 3 weeks later than it really is, haha.  I know I should just be thankful that people care about me and the baby and can't wait to meet him/her but I can't help but feel like people are disappointed in me because I haven't had him/her yet.  I know the feeling will pass and it's just horomonal but it's still hard to see other babies and think "Why isn't mine here yet?"

I fiddle around on Thebump.com, looking at boards and looking at different things.  I like reading some of the message boards because it makes me laugh.  Like some women complain about how they are so uncomfortable working thier 35 hour a week schedule... at a desk job... at 33 weeks pregnant and it makes me smile to know that I can still do so much.  Other women share horror stories about their hemmeroids and swelling and how terrible their significant other is being and it reminds me to be thankful for how smooth this has gone for me.  As much as I complain about having to wait for the baby, I am lucky enough to have had a pregnancy that waiting is my biggest fear.  Wanna hear something pathetic? I was actually jealous last night of someone's post that they had seen thier mucus plug come out. Gross, I know, but hey, she knows her labor is starting and I'm still sitting here hoping ANYTHING will happen that will make it feel like the baby will be here shortly, rather than in a few months. I'll get a few random cramps and pulls but nothing feels "hurt" enough to be a contraction.  There's no discharge, no swelling, no sign that it's progressing. Boo. I have one new pain and it's so dumb, The inside of my thighs feel like I have been biking the Tour de France.  SO SORE!  Yesterday was bad but I got a really great massage this morning and I feel a lot better so I guess it's back to just feeling huge while I wait for labor to start. 

I'm seriously ready at any point.  I dont even care if my water breaks while I'm at work. I just want something... anything... to show that I'm getting closer and that baby wants to meet me as badly as I want to meet him or her.

May 23, 2011

Highs and Lows.

I want to be done being pregnant.  I'm tired. I have gotten super emotional the past couple days so I'm hoping the horomone surge means something.

The other morning I was doing the dishes before I had to go to work.  David, trying to be cute, smacked my butt while I was filling the dishwasher.  My response: "Seriously, I don't have time for this, I actually have to go to work".  I felt like an asshole the second it came out of my mouth but it made me realize how much I resent that he gets to be home all day. I know I'll go crazy being home the whole time but it's like, I'm 38 weeks pregnant still working 40 hours a week and you don't have to. I know if I said I was done working, he would be fine and support my decision but I feel too guilty doing that. 

Unfortunetly, I didnt realize how much it was starting to bother me.  I made the comment that I wanted to go to a store and he goes "just go tomorrow, you have the day off" and I snapped back "It's my only day off this week, I'd like to get to sit and relax for change and not spend my one day off running around doing errands".  Yep, I'm still an ass. I know I have every right to be jealous of his new schedule but it's not fair for me to hold it against him.  He would not be sitting at home every day if he had his way.  he is being helpful; today he vacumed, gave the pups baths and he did the laundry the other day.  I just need to relax I guess.

Speaking of relaxing, I'm antsy. I want my baby. Plain and simple.  At the doctor today, I was told I'm measuring right and the baby has a strong heartbeat.  the baby has officially put itself in position being straight up and down rather than kicking off to one side.  He asked if I had an apointment for next week but told me if I see blood, have regular contractions or my water breaks beforehand to call.  I am trying so hard to not get my hopes up but I would LOVE my baby this week. I can only hope and cross my fingers.

On the workfront, today my boss informed me that even if I do not go into labor by the 5th, it will be my last day at the store.  She will be taking vacation starting the 6th and with covering managers and me being at 40 weeks, she doesn't want to schedule me.  I understand.  Im just nervous that I wont go into labor and then I'll be waiting for it and not working.  David should have unemployment by them so it will calm me down a bit but we all know me...

However, a good thing is... I won two tickets to the Drool Baby Expo that I blogged about before! David doesn't want me driving to Boston alone but also won't go with me so I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out.  I'm also guessing since I won the tickets, I'll be in labor this weekend and wont be able to go to the show! Haha. That would so be my luck!

I don't know, I'm scattered across the board and I'm not really sure how I feel.  I'm tired but excited, scared but hopeful, eager but petrified.

The whole time I've been typing this, I get a wierd feeling in my belly, it feels like someone is using a rolling pin and pushing the feeling into my vagina and then it spreads out to the sides and my back... maybe its a start?

Ugh... why didn't God give us a "labor is starting now" sign that pops out of your bag when its time???

May 20, 2011

An Answer.

Today I came home to 3 pieces of mail.

The first was a letter from Masshealth saying we needed to send a copy of David's unemployment income for them to process our Masshealth application. However, we don't have that yet.  We are still in that 3 week waiting period between the time we applied for unemployment and the time he'll get his first check if they decide that he is eleigible for the unemployment compensation.  However, we have until July 15th to submit the documentation so even if we need to wait another week and a half for his first check to come in, we'll be able to get the paperwork in to the necessary agency in time to continue the review process.

The second letter I opened was also from Masshealth saying that I was and have been covered by Masshealth Prenatal coverage since April 30th. Yeyyy! So even though David and I can not get coverage as a married couple, because I am pregnant, I am automatically covered. This is wonderful because our United HC ended on 5/9, so that covers me without any break in coverage.  the only problem with this is that it says in big bold print, This coverage does not pay for labor and delivery. It then says that it means that it gives me medical coverage for myself and the baby while they determine what other coverage I'll be recieving.  Ok, so it's not 100% but it covers the doctors appointment I had on 5/9, 5/16, the one I have on Monday and after Dave and I send in the income verification (from the first letter, above) they will review and backdate whatever coverage they give us to April 30th. So it's not all the answers I wanted but I can at least breath a bit better knowing that is taken care of.

The third letter I opened was my Masshealth card!! When I go to the doctors on Monday, they will be able to update my information into the computer and get my billing information all back in order.

I don't know about you, but it's a HUGE sigh of relief and an even bigger burden off my shoulders.  There's no reason we won't get the Masshealth now, it's just wiating for that first check to come in or a letter than says we're denied unemployment income.  While I'd prefer some income, I'll take either right now. :)

So I'm in a pretty decent mood. I know we're not out of the dark yet but it's a good start.  Mom's at the Sugarland concert tonight with my Aunt Anne so I decided that I will end tonight's post with a song by them that pretty much is life right now...



<3

May 17, 2011

That Wasn't Very Nice.

Last night kind of sucked.  I went to bed at about 9:30 and woke up 3 seperate times with contractions and cramping that seemed to come from my back.  My whole stomach would tighten up and I seriously thought I was going to crap myself there was so much pressure. this happened at 12:45, 3:30 and 5:40. Ugh. I started to get excited, like hey this doesn't feel like it normally has... maybe this is the baby? I had a lot of the things they say to look for with real contractions and not the fake Braxton Hicks. Obviously, I want to be excited. I am 37 and 1/2 weeks pregnant.  My due date is 19 days away. That's it.  There's no reason why I shouldn't go into labor right now except for the fact that I want to. Someone remind me that I typed this when I'm trying to stab my doctor while the baby is crowning.... :P

I got excited and now I'm pretty bummed out. I thought that was it. I was hoping for more contractions and I wanted them to get closer and stronger but after another quick bout of them around 10:30, I haven't have another. Whomp whomp.  My body is definately getting ready but I guess it's back to waiting.  I've ben slightly impatient waiting but where I kept telling myself 6 more weeks, 4 more weeks, 3 more weeks, etc it didnt seem like it could happen now.  After last night, I want my baby. It was there... and then it wasn't.

I laid on the couch for a good aprt of the morning with the pups.  I felt gross with lower back pain and nausea and I guess I was sad because it ended up being such a let down.  I know I shouldn't have gotten excited because (TMI ALERT) I haven't had any sort of show and my water hasn't broken but still, it seemed so close for a minute. I needed to satisfy the baby craving so Dave and I went to Babies R Us to finish my shopping.  I said previously that we needed to pick up a changing pad and infant tylenol so that's what we went for.  We ended up with a changing pad, a cover for it, infant tylenol, infant gum cleanser/toothpaste, orajel, and gas relief drops (as Dave points out... between him and Bailey, the baby will probably be gassy too-- personally, I hope not).  It really seems like we have EVERYTHING we need now.  I'm seriously racking my brain double and triple checking because I'm nervous. That thought made me feel a little better and when we got home I went through the hospital bag for the first time since we packed it.  I have my slippers, a night gown, clothes to come home in, the video camera, extra batteries for my camera, nursing pads, pads, and a couple books packed up.  I want to pack up black sweats and my oversized volleyball sweatshirt but I basically live in them at home (I'm wearing them now) now so I'd cry without them while I wait for this baby.

So I guess this is the shitty part people talk about, how you end up hating your life right before the baby is due. I want my baby and I don't want to wait anymore.

However, there was a little boy who made my whole day today.  I had plans to go see Bridesmaids with a friend and honestly, I'm currently beinga  cheap bastard so I took advantage of the dollar store thats in the same plaza as the theater.  Bought some candy and a soda and as I was in line there was a boy, maybe 6 years old in front of me with his grandma.  LIke the cutest hispanic kid with big brown eyes and he was just adorable.  This is our converstaion:

Him: Wow, are you having a baby?
Me: Yes, I am.
Him: I could tell because your belly is huge.  My mom is having a baby but your belly is bigger than hers. ( I laughed) When is your baby going to come out of you?
Me: I don't know but I'm due in 2 1/2 weeks.
Him: Wow, my mom says '4 more months of this crap' (more laughter)
Me: Well then you're baby will take longer than mine.
Him: Are you having a boy or a girl because my mom is having a girl and her name will be Shiloh but I get to call her Shi because that's my special big brother nickname for her.
Me: I don't know, my baby is going to be a surprise.
Him: It's going to be a girl but you can't name her Shiloh because thats my baby sister's name.

So I'm dying laughing at this point because he is just the cutest little old man trapped in a young kids body.  His grandmother pays and she starts to leave the store. He gets to the door and stops.  She spoke extremely broken English but all of a sudden he yells "Hold on grandma!! I NEEEEEED to hold the door for the pregnant lady and the baby!!"

I've gotten pretty bored with the repeated questions about 'when is it due', 'what's the sex', and 'is this your first' but this kid seriously made my whole day.

If I got to have all my converstaions about the baby be like the conversation I had with him, I'd do it all day.

May 16, 2011

Doctor's Update and Drool.

So today I had the weekly doctors appointment and once again, I'm looking good.  I'm measuring right at 37 and baby's heart beat is at 155 (which if you believe in old wives' tales, that would be a girl).  Everything I'm feeling is normal and the doctor said that my work habits are fine this week still, and they'll reevaluate next week when I go back. :)

Today I also recieved a postcard in the mail for the Drool Baby Expo. Unlike the ridiculous amounts of bridal expos in the area, this is the ONLY ONE I have found anything about in the area.  It obviously would be less than a week before my due date at the Seaport in Boston on the 31st.

It's going to be crazy.  There is over $4,000 worth of prizes that are being given away, free spa services and swag bags that are supposed to be insane.  The card I receieved in the mail is good for $10 off any ticket so the normal $35 would be $25 or the VIP, which gets you in an hour early, a $25 gift card to Magic Beans, and the ultra luxury swagbag worth over $200 chock full of the best new baby stuff, would be $50 instead of $60! Obviously I feel super guilty even THINKING about spending the money to go up there but it just seems so fun and it's not like I'll get the chance to ever do it again so I guess my question is...

Does anyone want to spend $25 and go with me to the Drool Baby Expo

May 15, 2011

28 & 37.

Today is my husband's birthday! I know I talk about him incessently but I love him and he deserves everything.  He felt guilty doing anything birthday becuase he's unemployed but I don't care.. a birthday is a birthday and you should get to celebrate.  My mom and the kids cam eover becuase I knew it would be relaxing and he could celebrate without really celebrating.  We had a picky dinner of pizza, mini tacos, friday appetizers, and kielbasa, we had some pretty amazing cupcakes.  Dave is a HUGE chocolate cake fan, ideally chocolate with peanut butter and anyone who knows me, knows that I stick to yellow or funfetti with white frosting.  Plain Jane. Me making anything else is a labor of love. 

I wanted to make these amazing but since it was only 6 of us, and I don't want left over chocolate cupcakes... I bought a "snack size" box of Duncans chocolate cupcakes.  It made 9, perfect. After cooking them last night and cooling them complately I made a filling out of vanilla pudding and mixed in melted peanut butter. I'm not gonna lie... I had no idea how it was going to taste but it turned out pretty well.  Topped it was a double chocolate frosting and melted peanut butter chips and I must say, I was happily surprised.  I ate a whole cupcake. A whole CHOCOLATE cupcake... this is huge.

David got the second controller for the Move, MLB The Show 2011, beef jerky and some WOW stuff.  He's pretty easy to please; I like that about him.  He's been playing with the ps3 since he opened his gifts and we've already destroyed a bag of beef jerky.  :)

In addition, today is 37 weeks. Um, yikes. I have a fullterm baby inside of me, and oh my goodness, is it active this weekend.  I seriously thought he/she was going to arrive this week because there was so much going onin my abdomen this weekend. Like to the point where I sat in the bathtub and shaved my legs because I was convinced.  Clearly God and the baby laughed at me. Whatever.  The girls at work have started betting on when the little one is going to come out and one even volunteered to drive me to the hospital today because she thought for sure it was coming today.

I guess we're ready for him or her. I mean I realized today that we do not have a chnaging pad so I'll have to get one at some point and mom pointed out that I should pick up infant tylenol and those thinsg so I have them but we installed the car seat yesterday and really, there's not much else that I'm scrambling for right now. 

When people ask if we're ready my gut instainct is to say "yes". I mean, stuff wise we are set but then I go wait, are we REALLY ready for this? But when I feel the need to say "no", I have to remind myslef that even if I don't think we are ready, we absolutely are and if not, we will be when little one arrives. It's not really up to us, we'll be ready even if we think we aren't or if we know we are.

I guess now it's just that wait... it could be a day, it could be me being induced in 5 weeks. I guess it's time for me to give up control and just accept the fact that there is a bigger plan and the little one knows more than I do. <3

May 13, 2011

Obnoxious.

So I guess I'm finally getting to that stage everyone talks about, at the end of your pregnancy when you're just like "I'm done" however, I think I'm doing it wrong.  It's not like "Oh my god, I've been pregnant for so long I want ti to be over" it's more of a "Shut up and stop making stupid comments" obnoxious stage.

Like today, I walked into work and one of the girls goes "Still no baby yet?" Um, nope, if there was, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't still have this massive belly. Seriously, when the baby comes I'll tell you. I'm still 2 days away from 37 weeks, pregnancy is 40 weeks, relax. Or how about "You're so low that baby is gonna drop out anyday now" or, here's my favorite one from the other day "Wow, you look super huge today; it must be the color of your shirt". If you wouldn't say it to someone in a normal converstaion, why is it acceptable to say to a pregnant person?

Could you imagine if I was having a converstaion with you and was like "Oh, ps. your hair kind of looks like shit today but it might just be the way you styled it"? NO ONE would think that was acceptable so why judge my weight right now? I'm obviously criticizing and critiquing my body all day, every day, I don't need you to do it as well.  I don't know, I guess some people just don't have manners.

The baby will come when its ready to and I've had people tell me I'm too small and questioning if the baby is developing right becuase I didn't gain enough weight and I've had people ask "You sure there just one in there?"; could you all just make up your mind about whether I'm too fat or too skinny for 9 months pregnant and then keep it to yourself? Pleaseandthanks.

Today I am a little bummed as well because I had been planning on going to a really great consignment sale but given our current situatiuon, I opted to go go grocery shopping instead of baby shopping. Oh well right? We have a ton of stuff and if I know my family I'll end up with new gender specific gifts while I'm still in the hospital so I really dont NEED anything. I think I'm just so excited that I want to buy things and I really don't need to.  this group is putting on another huge sale the beginning of the fall so I figure I'll go then and by then I'll have a better idea of how fast baby is growning, I'll be able to purcahse more appropriate stuff for the fall and by then baby should be holding up his or her head and we can start buying things like a jumperoo, a highchair, walker, etc.  I figure anything I don't get at that point will be on baby's christmas list!

So a couple things that make me smile right now:

1. today we walked the pups to the elementary school thats half a mile away from the house.  It has a HUGE field that is fenced in on 3 sides and even though NB has a leash law, we figured we could let the pups run for a bit.  They chased each other for maybe 10 minutes, came back to my side and plopped down.  They were exhausted!  The walk home was hilarious because they were dragging and as soon as we got back to the apartment they each emptied their waterbowls and passed out on the couch.  It was just nice to spend some "family time" after work. <3

2. Last night dave and I walked around downtown NB for AHA! which is a Arts, History andArchitecture event that happens once a month. Each month is a different theme with different activites and last night, dave's old roommate had an art critique at ArtWorks!  We went to supoort him and ended up walking around, going into the visitors center, a couple other art galleries and only spent $1.00 to park for the whole time we were down there.  A really great, enjoyable free date night.  I know that unemployment is not ideal right now but I do love having him around.

3. Raspberry gingerale.  On sale at Target for $1 a bottle, we bought 3.  We spent $52 on groceries but saved $37 and now have a full freezer, fully stocked cabinets and enough food to get us through the apocolypse so we're good. I feel silly spending the money right now but it's all food we eat on a regular basis and would have bought anyway so buying it on sale right now just makes sense.

4. And finally, as a bonus, The Lonely Island CD, all of it. I'm in love. I'm leaving you with my current three favorites because they just make me smile :)



May 10, 2011

Three good things.

So I'm stealing an idea from another blogger and although my post today kind of sucked I wanted to turn around the day so here's 3 things that I am loving today.

1. My group B strep test came back negative! Yey for no yucky bacteria growing inside of me that could possibly be passed on to the baby during delivery! Yey for one less stress!

2. Cake Batter Batter Batter ice cream from Coldstone Creamery. I have an oversized pint/undersized half gallon of it in the freezer. It makes me happy. The only thing that would make me happier is Cookie Don't You Wanna but they didnt have that in the case.



3.  Really super amazing friends.  I blog and write it here because this way I'm not complaining to people.  if you don't wanna hear about it, just don't read it, you know? But there are some amazing people who have messaged me since I posted just to say "I'm here".  Someone telling me that how I handle myself in adversity is what makes me who I am, someone asking if I wanted them to trade in the baby gift they got and just send me something else we need, and finally someone thinking about stealing their moms car just to drive ice cream to me without even talking to me first. I may not get to see these people as much as I would liek to but I absoluetly love them from the bottom of my heart.

Answers, or a lack there of.

So I've had a couple days to calm down and figure out exactly what is going on.  Unfortuntly, that's not really possible.  We have no answers and nothing figured out so I guess I'm just going to share the limbo we are in.

Backtrack to last month... Kristen and I brought David dinner at work.  It was the opening night of Scream 4 and he was having a horrible time trying to keep the young kids out of the theater.  His theaters rule is that if you are under 17, the adult needs to accompany them into the theater.  It's written in the theater and at the ticket window.  When we brought him dinner, there was a group of girls screaming at home because "mom had bought our tickets and now we cant go?!?" He had to deal with that mom and she left.  A group of kids went to go in and he asked where the grown up was.  The grown up accepted responsibility for the kids and the whole group went in.  A couple minutes later a guy came out of the theater and rudely says "So I got id'd, how come theres a bunch of little kids in the theater, didn't id them?" So Dave responded "No, they are with an adult so there's nothing we can do about them being in there". The guy muttered "That's fucking retarded" and walked away.  David turned to us and under his breath said "douchebag".  We laughed and a woman came from behind the wall and started telling Dave he was disgusting and rude and that he shouldn't speak to his guests that way.  Now when I say "woman", I mean a girl my age.  David apologized to the girl, she left, he kissed me and Kristen and I left.

David called the general manager to say heads up.. this is what happened and she told him that he had no reason to call, it was nothing.

Couple days later he informs me that the woman did call and complain but the manager told him he would be fine and most of the complaints are just given some gift cards and they go away.  We later found out that the woman exaggerated the story, telling them that Dave told her to "fuck off and mind her own business".  I don't know about you, but I know him and its a bit out of character but whatever... His manager proceeded to stay in touch with human resources but told Dave it was dead and over. 

On Saturday, they let him go.  No notice what so ever since his manager had said it was dead and over but in reality she was doing all of it behind his back.  I have some choice words to say but I will be the bigger person and simply say that jealousy and self-confidence issues will make people do ugly things and theres a special place in hell for people that knowingly sneak around and fire a man who is expecting a child in less than a month. Here's the kicker: we had our health insurance through his employer.

So we are in limbo.  As of THIS MOMENT, we are still covered under his employer; it has not terminated yet but I need to be ready for it to disappear at any point.  I'm 36 weeks pregnant. I could go into labor at any point and I need to know if my baby is going to be covered. I had a dr's appointment yesterday and immediately after went to the financial counselor to discuss options and what I could do. They couldn't do a thing for us because David's income was unknown until we spoke with unemployment to see if there was anything he would get.

Today we went to unemployment bright and early and after an hour and a half wait, we got to speak with someone.  They gave us his expected "income" and a letter to show the hospital.  It's not what he was making but it will help.  They warned us that it will take up to 3 weeks and there is always a chance that his employer could contest it, so let's not get too excited so pretty much: no legit answer.

We immediately drove to the hospital to talk to the woman.  When we sat with us she threw more roadblocks at us.  Ready:

1. Because David is collecting unemployment, we have to look at COBRA insurance, which is a continuation of his current insurance.  However, it's an employer assisted program so it will end up being very expensive, will need to have the premium paid up front, and we need to wait for the paperwork to come in before we can look at that option.  Oh, ya, and that's IF they offer us the COBRA insurance.  If they do not offer it, we are free and clear to utilize Masshealth. But, we can't do anything until we see if COBRA is an option.  If it is, Masshealth wont work for us because we have 'access'  to other insurance, even if it's outside of our financial abilities. Stupid. There is a different avenue to go down if we have to go through COBRA and have the financial hardship... that will be another form and application but we'll get to that if we need to. So that leaves us with no answer.

2. She did process a Masshealth packet for us, in the event that COBRA is not offered and then we will already be in the system and we can just go from there.  This will mean that if we do use the Masshealth avenue, we will be covered from this day forward and there is absolutely no breakage in coverage... but only if COBRA isn't offered. No answer again.

3. WIC wasn't an option before because we made too much money.  The woman processed WIC and SNAP for us.  SNAP will be in touch with us within the week to interview us and figure out if we have a true hardship or if we are simply trying to rip off the system.  This could be an issue because of the income limit.  If Dave doesn't get the unemployment, we will qualify.   If Dave gets his unemployment, combined with what I'm currently making at the restaurant, we do not qualify.  If we wait until I am not working, we will.  So it all comes down to timing I guess which leaves us with no real answer on SNAP.  WIC seemed a bit easier.  even with Dave's possible "income", we would qualify.  She processed our paperwork and gave me the number to set up an appointment to have an in person interview with WIC.  WIC will not give benefits unless you meet with them in person.  So I call and am told by WIC that I will need to bring proof of income and proof of insurance before anything can be processed. Maybe you missed the beginning of this, but both of those are completely up in the air so I was advised to simply wait until the baby comes.  At that point I will be a non-working, insured parent and the baby will absolutely get help. 

But wait Heather... you'll have insurance?
Yes.  By filing the Masshealth today, I am covered because of my "pre-existing condition" so even if COBRA is up in the air, or the alternative is up in the air or Masshealth hasn't been validated for David, myself and the baby are covered, even though I cant apply for it alone because Dave and I are married.  Make sense? It's a bit to wrap around but in a nutshell, because I'm pregnant, the hospital will absolutely take care of me and the baby and will ensure that I have WIC help when I leave the hospital, even if I don't have anything else figured out.

Did that calm any of you down because it hasn't helped me relax one bit.  It's still too many unanswered questions and I'll have to just sit and play the waiting game, which we all know, I hate. I just have to remind myself that there is a baby inside of me who is counting on me to stay calm and relaxed because if I freak out too much I could literally force myself into labor.  Part of me wishes i would just go into labor tonight so that I know my insurance is still good, I would immediately have no income and even with the possible unemployment 'income' we'd still qualify for everything. That would be nice but let's face it... at this point I'm convinced that this baby is staying in until June 19th when they have to induce the thing out of me. I'll be working for the next 6 weeks while we stress about what's going on.

Thankfully, we were smart and have saved some money and stocked up on shampoo, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, dog food, and baby stuff so we will hopefully be in a good spot throughout the next few months but in the past 24 hours I've found myself questioning if I'm fit to be a mom.  I know it's self-loathing and disgusting but why were we able to get pregnant? I work at a restaurant, I hate my job, we live in an apartment and now Dave has no job but someone above us thought we were acceptable to be parents? What about the married couple with a house and 2 full-time, fully benefited jobs.. why can't they get pregnant? I'm sure a child would do much better in a household with that set of parents than with Dave and I right now.  I don't even know how we're going to take care of ourselves right now, never mind bringing a baby into this world in a month.  Does He know what he's doing up there? Like did he really pick right or was he supposed to pick the couple on the list next to us? I know that we are going to be wonderful parents, I just wish we had more to give him or her.

I have to keep telling myself that we will figure it all out and everything will end up the way it needs to but I can't help second guess everything that's happening. I will give up everything to take care of this little one and I guess that's what's going to have to happen until we get some answers.

This song has been going through my mind all day and I guess it kind of vocalizes what we're going through. 

I'm not proud of our situation but I will not let it get the best of me.  <3

May 7, 2011

Mom.

So I have a TON I want to write but even thinking about writing it out on paper sucks.  It hurts to say it out loud when the words escape my mouth and I don't have to acknowledge them but to have them visually stare at me from my screen.. I'm just not ready for that.

And I guess without preparing, I was prepared for it. The coupons and the stocking up, I planned for the worse without ever imagining it would happen. However, I refuse to be defeated by it. I am better than that and stronger than that and I refuse to be overcome by circumstance. I will remain levelheaded and calm becuase if I'm not I could make the situation even worse and that's not what it's about right now.  It's about doing whatever I have to in order to take care of my baby, my home and my family. And you knwo why thats what I'll do? Because that's what moms do for their children. Anything and everything they have to, even if it means standing in line to pick up food stamps or WIC checks. My mom taught me that.  No matter how bad things are, they could always be worse and no matter what you want and feel as a mom, your children will always come first.

I could write for hours about how amazing my mom is but even thinking about those paragrpahs is making me tear up.  Seriously, all I can say is I love her and she is everything to me.  She keeps me grounded when I need to be and tonight she reminded me that a mom is always a mom, no matter how old her children are.  I love her with all of my heart and am so lucky that I have her in my life. 

I think if I had to sum up my thoughts right now they would be three lessons she taught me while I grew up:

1. I may want, but I will never need.

2. God never gives us more than we can handle.

and, most importantly,

3. It could always be worse.

May 5, 2011

I am the worst wife. Ever.

Let's start this post off by telling you about my laptop.  It is almost 5 years old but it's comfortable and it still works.  It has all of my college pictures on it, the music I downloaded when I was at school (you know, before Pandora.. aka. I don't listen to any of it anymore...), papers I wrote through my undergrad career, oh ya, and the trojan files Matt downloaded on it when he was using my laptop to look at porn, but that's another story that's in the past, and even though I was given an external hard drive, which now backs up all of that stuff, I can't bring myself to reset my laptop.  It runs slow sometimes, takes a while to load, the battery needs to be charging at all times or it dies in 6 minutes and start up literally takes 8 minutes.  However, Dave and I splurged on a REALLY great desktop when we moved and I'll use that every once in a while if I don't want to deal with my laptop.

Well, today I get home and there is a package at the front door.  I open it up and the inner box is for a brand new smaller, portable, completely clean laptop that Dave had bought for me for Mother's Day. I know, cue the awwwww's but here's the thing...

I felt so guilty about him spending that much money, right now, right before the baby that I asked if we could return it. I know, worst. wife. ever.

I wrote before how I felt guilty even spending money on a pedicure (which I don't need), never mind a new laptop, when the one I have now still works just fine. It's not the most amazing but it was brand new top of the line when I bought it.  It has a 500g hard drive and still operates extremely well.  I'm comfortable with it. Why spend the money if its not a necessity right now?

I think, wait no, scratch that, I know I hurt his feelings.  He was so proud because like he said "He got me something I would never buy for myself" and when I buy gifts for m mom, who is one of the most special people in my life... that's how I think too.  I want to give something that they would never do for themselves.  I stressed that I really just wanted some flowers to plant and would be much happier with a backrub and a quiet night for just the two of us.  I don't know.  I am happy because we return the laptop, bought a couple of flower planters, potting soil, and a few trays of geraniums, impatiens, and pansies and I was completely happy.  I know I sound like an ungrateful asshole but his money is our money and I can't be selfish enough to let him spend that kind of money right now.

So after a night of tacos, watermelon, and being curled up on the couch watching Tron Legacy, I have to know:

Am I the worst wife ever?

May 4, 2011

Exhausted but Optimistic.

I am exhausted. Constantly. Like all the time. It's borderline obnoxious.

Monday night I went to bed around 10:30 and fell asleep closer to 11, knowing that I had Tuesday off.  We woke up around 8 am and our friend Vit came over.  We literally did nothing but use the Playstation Move and eat pizza.  While Vit was still here, I crawled into our bedroom, into bed and passed out for 2 hours. Seriously?

David woke me up so that I could get ready for my interview **(I'll get back to that in a minute). I went to the school for 3:30, got a slush puppie, came home, made dinner and was back in bed by 9pm.  Flash forward to this morning, I don't want to wake up even though I didnt have to be up until 7, dragged myself to 1st grade, spent the day with 26 little ones and upon returning home, I slept from 3:30- 7:15.  Legit.  How tired could I be? I'm already curled up on the couch with the pups and its only 9:15.  How can I be so tired from doing so little? Everone says catch up on the sleep now because I won't get any after the baby... but I'm seriously hoping without this child inside of me, I'll regain some of my energy again. 

So let's back up to my interview, this is where the **** comes back in... I had another interview yesterday and this time it was with a charter school in New Bedford for a high school ELA position.  Thsi schools tresses creativity for students and project based learning which is pretty much my ideal classroom.  It as a quick 20 minute interview and from the 10 applicants, they invite 3 to come back and teach a 20-30 minute lesson to a group of 10 admin, students, and parents.  It went well.  The principal seems wonderful and was very interested in my service learning components, my pedagogy and it was comfortable.  I felt like I fit with her and the literacy coach and I REALLY hope that they feel the same.  Other than the location of the school, which is in the middle of the ghetto, it is amazing! And when I say ghetto, I mean gheeeee-tto.  Like I drove past two guys who jacked up a car and were under it, there were store signs that were written in other languages and I'm pretty sure there wasn't another white person within 20 feet of my car at any given time.  It sounds petty but it's a fact.  It's in one of the poorest areas of New Bedford but my whole life I said I wanted to go to other countries and help those kids so why not do it in my own town? I have my fingers seriously crossed for this phone call to ask me to come in again but I'm trying very hard to not get over excited because that's when yous et yourself up for disappointment... I'll remain optimistic until I'm told not be. <3

May 2, 2011

Waiting.

Where to start...

1. Waiting to the baby.

I am 35 weeks along now, wierd.  At my check-up today I was told that baby is "textbook", the heart beat is (and has been at) 147, he/she is head down and is right on target; I'm measuring at 35 and I'm 35! According to the old wives tales, that heartbeat means its a girl... but that theory has been disproved so who knows, it could just mean it's a smaller baby because very often smaller babies have higher heart beats.... 

My blood pressure is on the low side at 108 over 66.  The doctor said there is not cause for concern right now, however the fact that I have the lower blood pressure correlates with the fact that nothing on me is swollen... my feet are normal and still fit in all my shoes and my wedding rings still fit.  Because I'm not holding onto all the excess fluid, I'm not seeing the spike in blood pressure. Baby is still moving around a bunch, I get my kicks and punches but its mostly isolated to my stomach and only my stomach area, which is soooo nice.  No more rib hits and the pressure that was on my pelvis has subsided for now.  there are times when it feels like the baby is going ot drop right out but nothing uncontrollable. Honestly, the most obnoxious thing right now is the numbness I feel on the top of my abdomen.  Right between my rib cage, probably 2 inches down from my bra, is constantly numb.  The baby is on a nerve so it's making it numb.  Once the baby drops down again the numbness should subside. I just hate waiting.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting.  Im so distracted because all I'm doing is waiting.  Can you believe its taken me over a half hour to type just this much so far?  I want to know the baby's sex. I want to know when he or she is coming.  I want to know what labor is going to be like.  I want to know what it's going to be like after.  I still stand by the fact that I'm not "omg, its so uncomfy I want to be done" but I think not knowing the sex is starting to get to me.

Also getting to me is my long shifts.  I like to think I can do it and handle everything I used to be able to and I just cant anymore.  I was in such pain yesterday after work.  My boss has cut me down to just weekends and smaller shorter shifts now that I'm in the last month(ish).  It scares me because all I see is my income going out the window but I need to do what I need to for the baby.  The leg cramps last night sucked and it was simply from being on my feet for so long yesterday.  I guess at 35 weeks pregnant, I should start to slow down.

2. Waiting again... for 10 years. 

Im not usually a politically charged person but I feel that last night's events need mentioning.  President Obama came onto the tv and informed the United States that Osama Bin laden was confirmed dead.  As the ringleader of the 9/11 attacks, his death is monumental.  I dont expect the world to be fixed and everything to go back the way it was but the closure that it offers for so many people is extraordinary.  Its hard to ceelbrate a death and not feel guilty (assuming you believe that all life matters) but in this instance, his actions outweigh the necessity for morality.  Obama's direction in the whole operation is nothing to be snubbed at, regardless if he did not pull the actual trigger. 

3. Waiting to hear back.

Saturday I went to a job fair at Fall River and after being invited to speak with someone/interview for an ELA position, I get there to find out that they had misread my resume and it was actually an ESL position. Ew.  The upside is that as I was leaving, the principal from a different school saw me and called me over.  I had interviewed for a long term ELA position with them in December but when I ofund out it was for the full year, I didnt think it was fair to comtinue on knowing that I was due before the year ended.  While speaking with her she informed me that the position, while filled for this year, will be open in the fall and requested my resume and said she would be in touch in June to set up another interview. It's a step closer.  It's not for sure and it will probably fall through but the fact that she rememebered me is a good sign to me. If I had to work in Fall River, its the most ideal school to be in however, tomorrow is my interview in New Bedford at the charter school and I'll go from there.  For all I know, I could still be managing the restuarant in September...

4. Waiting for stuff...

is over! David picked up the rocker while I was at work yesterday and it is all set up in the nursery now!

 I'm so in love. I sit in it alot and rock away, even without the baby.  It relaxes me and I can not wait to hold my little one for the first time.

5. Waiting to relax...

I now officially have a date for my prenatal massage! May 22nd at 1:30 pm courtsey of KBiss! I'm hoping to add a pedicure to that as well, I just have to work through the month and make sure I have enough.  It sounds so crazy to not be able to spend $50 on a pedicure but knowing that my hours are already getting cut and I still want to be able to pay this month's bills without touching the savings we have put away for when I am completely out of work. We'll add that to my "I'd love it if someone randomly gave me this" list. :)

Speaking of random gifts, David asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day.  My response was "I'm not a mom yet" and he said " Yes you are, you're a mom to our two (puppy)kids and we have another on the way" <3 I love, love, love him. But since he protested, I told him flowers to plant on the patio.  I don't want him buying me an expensive gift because his money is also going to be needed while I'm on leave.  I really do want a flower box on the patio, cut flowers die too quickly and having plants to water and tend to may give me something else to do while it's just me and baby at home but if I could ask for anything it would be:

1. A gift certificate for a pedicure.  Not even a nice spa, a crappy mall nail salon would be perfectly wonderful.  I just want to have one and since I never have before I think now is a great excuse!
---OR---
2. Someone to take me to a psychic.  I think it would be fun to see what the psychic would say about when the baby is coming and whether its a boy or a girl. I know its not definate or even legitimate, but it would be fun.

Spurning off of that, I am thankful I have him.  I am so glad we have the relationshisp we do and we are in the position we are in before having the baby.  I will never have a "baby daddy" or deal with a boyfriend who would rather go golfing than help organize for the new arrival. I see other people who are pregnant and how their boyfriends behave and I am just so thankful.

So maybe that's what this month will look like... more waiting and wishing.  Hoping for a baby to come soon and hoping for stuff.  Crossing my fingers for a healthy baby and a school to call my own.

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